


Bats on a Plane

by Zanganito



Series: Prank Wars [3]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Batfamily (DCU), Bruce Needs a Hug, Gen, Humor, POV Tim Drake, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Suggestive Themes, Tim Drake Has a Bad Time, Vacation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:48:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25158022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zanganito/pseuds/Zanganito
Summary: Bruce decides to take a family vacation.  Getting there might be half the adventure.
Series: Prank Wars [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1803514
Comments: 6
Kudos: 95





	Bats on a Plane

**Author's Note:**

> This is just some self-indulgent fun.

Alfred dropped them off at the airport three hours early, dryly remarking that they probably needed the extra time to check in and pass through security.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?” Bruce asked. “It’s just a short trip to Miami, I thought it might be nice to get some beach time as a family together. Just to relax and take a break from everything else.”

“I am certain I will have more of a vacation alone at the manor by myself, sir,” Alfred said primly.

Bruce nodded, unable to argue with that. Then he turned to his kids. “Okay, everyone make sure your weapons are only in your checked bags, otherwise going through security will be a hassle.”

-

They discovered the first glitch in their travels when they checked in, and found all their tickets were for economy seating rather than first class, or even premium.

“How do they expect me to sit in economy with the rest of the plebeians?” Damian demanded, scowl on his face. “Father, why did we not take a private jet for this vacation?”

“It’s a good life lesson to have to live like everyone else,” Bruce explained. “Besides, it’s slightly more environmentally responsible to take a commercial airliner.”

“I’m sure it was just a computer glitch, little D,” Dick said, giving Tim a quick glare.

“What!? I didn’t do anything!” Tim insisted. Great, now all computer issues would be his fault until Dick forgot about the phone prank.

“We can probably sort it out before we board,” Dick continued, giving Tim another pointed glare.

Damian folded his arms and raised an eyebrow. “Grayson, you are entirely too optimistic.”

-

Security was next.

“Hey,” Dick said, nudging Damian and Duke, “How much do you want to bet that one of us will be ‘randomly selected’ for additional security screening?”

Duke rolled his eyes. “It’s not even worth a bet, it’s almost certain to happen.”

Sure enough, Duke was asked to step aside for a ‘completely random’ security check.

Damian placed his hands on his hips and scowled. “I am far more of a threat than Duke. It is insulting that they would pass me by with their random security check. Grayson, go inform them that I was raised as an assassin from birth, and am undoubtedly the most dangerous person in this room.”

“Shh, little D, not now,” Dick said and tried to placate Damian with a candy bar. It worked, mostly. Now Damian just scowled angrily at the TSA agents and munched his chocolate bar. A few commented on how adorable he was, which only deepened Damian’s scowl.

Stephanie and Cass passed through security with no problem. “We’ll meet you guys in the food court,” Steph shouted, pulling Cass along behind her.

Tim heaved a sigh of relief. Maybe things would go smoothly after all.

Dick stepped into the security scanner, and Jason started snickering. Tim felt the hairs on the back of his neck raise. “Jason, what did you do?” he hissed.

“Pft, don’t worry about it Timberly, just made things more interesting,” Jason said and roughly tousled Tim’s hair.

Bruce frowned as Dick failed the scanner, and was taken aside for a pat down by one of the TSA agents. 

“Wow, I didn’t think I’d get to first base today, Kevin,” Dick teased loudly and wriggled suggestively. The agent blushed red enough to match his hair and grumbled as he continued the pat down.

Jason cackled evily, and shoved Tim forward. “Your turn, replacement.”

Tim passed through the scanner, only to find that he also had failed the security scan. Damian, Bruce, and Jason also failed the scan, and they all lined up on the side.

“I can’t find anything,” Kevin said as he finished with Dick.

“Aww, you can keep looking, Kevin,” Dick said. “I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for eventually.”

Kevin turned even redder and hurriedly patted the rest of them down, not finding anything either.

“Why don’t you all go through the scanner again? Maybe it’s a machine glitch,” Kevin said.

They all shuffled through the scanner, and promptly failed again. Tonya, the head TSA agent marched over, hands on her hips. “That’s damned peculiar that a whole group of people would fail with no visible metal. I’m going to have to ask all of you to agree to a strip search.”

“Looks like you might find something after all, Kevin,” Dick teased.

-

Kevin did find something, every one of them had a small metal smiley face clip hidden on their clothes. Tim didn’t even want to imagine when Jason must have taken the opportunity to attach his on. Tonya was not amused and gathered them together for a stern lecture. “This isn’t a game, you can’t play around with going through security. I don’t care who you are, or how important you might think your lives are, the safety and security of the other passengers come first.”

They all nodded contritely.

-

They had gathered their things, and were out of earshot of security when Dick nudged Jason. “Kevin gave me his phone number. I’m ahead 1-0.”

Jason looked annoyed. “ _Kevin_ gave you his phone number? Guess he has no taste.”

“Dick, you don’t even like guys,” Tim pointed out, knowing full well he should stay out of whatever hairbrained competition Dick and Jason had going, but being unable to help the slight spark of curiosity.

Dick gasped indignantly and brought a hand to his chest. “Excuse you and your assumptions, Tim. For your information, I’m _very_ flexible, he’s a redhead, and besides, Kevin loves me for my charming sense of humor.”

Jason laughed at that, snorting violently.

“He does!” Dick insisted and took out the security tag with a scrawled number to wave around as proof. “I told him after a strip search and two pat downs he owed me dinner, and he agreed and laughed.”

“Dick, he probably hears that crap all the time,” Jason said. “I doubt he likes you for your wit. He obviously likes your ginormous-”

“Dick, if you go out to dinner with Kevin, you need to buy,” Bruce interrupted, stealthily slipping into their conversation. “TSA agents don’t make much.” 

“Gee, way to be a wet blanket and kill the mood, B,” Jason snarked.

Bruce glared at all three of them. “And if the three of you continue to be so disruptive, I will send you home. Don’t think I won’t.”

Jason rolled his eyes dramatically. “Please, B, we all know you’re not going to send Dick home and keep the Demon Brat with you. You’re not that much of a masochist.” 

“Jason, don’t try my patience,” Bruce snapped. “And if we’re already in Miami when you three get sent home, it won’t be on a plane either. You’ll all have to drive back together in a rental car.”

Tim winced at the thought. Okay, that sounded horrendously terrible. Like, second level of the inferno terrible. Bruce must be in a rotten mood. “Sorry, B,” Tim gulped out, even though he technically hadn’t done anything.

Jason and Dick mumbled apologies as well.

Bruce straightened up, and his expression softened. “Now that’s settled, let’s find Duke and the girls and have a few snacks before our flight.”

But by the time they met up with Steph, Cass and Duke in the food court, it was time to rush through the airport halls and find their boarding gate.

-

Their tickets were still firmly in economy as they boarded in a hurried rush, and Tim had no idea why everyone kept giving him glares. As if he wanted to sit in coach with the little monster. And just his luck for the day, he ended up in the window seat in front of Dick, who still had reason to hold a grudge from the phone incident, and was a notorious fidgeter on trips. Sure enough, Tim felt two feet push his seat forwards as far as it would bend. To add to Tim’s luck Damian had the aisle seat. At least Duke (who currently was not actively feuding against Tim) had the middle seat to finish out the row.

“Hey, could you cut out the shenanigans,” Duke muttered as Tim was nearly catapulted out of his seat by a vicious kick. “All I want to do on this trip is listen to my music and zone out.”

“I’m not the one doing anything,” Tim protested as the back of his seat continued to rock.

Duke sighed, gave Tim a quick glare then placed his headphones in his ears.

Tim raised his arms. “What did I even do?” he demanded.

Damian glared daggers down the aisle. “Drake, contain yourself. Why am I not seated next to Grayson?”

“Sir, please sit normally in your seat,” Mildred, the currently unamused, red-headed flight attendant scolded Dick.

The feet disappeared from Tim’s back with a jolt, and Dick murmured his apologies. 

“I’m sorry, it’s just hard for me to sit still,” Dick said laughing sheepishly. “I trained as an acrobat when I was younger, and was constantly moving, it’s a hard habit to break.”

Mildred giggled, probably at one of Dick’s trademark smiles. “Well please try your best for the next three hours, sir, especially during take-off and landing.”

“Will do!”

Tim rolled his eyes. Dick was definitely trying to acquire yet another redhead.

Damian leaned over Duke’s back to shout at Tim. “Drake, turn around and see who is sitting next to Grayson, and if they would be willing to trade seats with me.”

Tim sighed, but turned around in his seat. As luck would have it, a scowling Jason was squeezed into the middle seat between Dick and an unfortunate bespecled middle-aged man who looked like he was regretting his decision to get on the plane today. Tim gulped, as much as he didn’t want to hear Jason’s unfunny comments about already dying for three hours in the air, he was definitely preferable to Damian.

“Hey, Jason,” Tim hissed over the back of his seat. “Damian wants to trade seats with you.”

Jason sneered at him. “Oh yeah? What’s in it for me?”

“You’ll get the aisle seat,” Tim tried.

“What, so I can get hit with the food cart? Pass,” Jason said. “Besides, I don’t mind my current seat too much.” He jabbed Dick sharply in the side of the leg.

“Oww, Jason,” Dick whined. “Just trade with little D, he’ll be in a better mood when we land if you do.”

Jason seemed to consider that for a moment. “Okay, but all three of you will be in my debt for the entire trip.”

Tim rolled his eyes. “Just do it,” he said.

Jason heaved his hulking bulk up out of the seat. “Excuse me, Gary,” he said as the man on the end of the row quickly shot up out of his own seat and stood in the aisle to let Jason pass. “I’m trading seats with my little brother.”

Gary seemed to sigh in relief, a relief that Tim knew would be short-lived as soon as Gary had a chance to experience Damian at his worst. 

Damian gathered his things, and scurried over to climb into the seat next to Dick. “Grayson,” he said, and his face softened into almost a smile. “The accommodations on this plane are horrendous, but at least the company has improved considerably.”

Dick smiled and tousled Damian’s hair.

Tim’s seat was jolted again, as Jason dropped his entire weight into his new seat.

“Sir, please turn around, we’re about to take off,” Mildred returned in time to scold Tim.

Tim slunk down into his seat as he heard Damian snicker from behind him. This was going to be a long flight.

\--

Dick apparently had the luck of the gods, and after a few more acidic comments on the current accommodations, Damian drifted off to sleep. Tim could hear him snore softly, a deceptively angelic sound.

Dick pushed the flight attendant call button. “Hey, Mildred, do you think you could get a blanket and pillow for my little brother? He’s not used to long flights and he fell asleep.”

Mildred brought a pillow and blanket, then paused to coo over how cute a sleeping Damian was, as Dick tucked the blanket around his shoulders.

“Poor little guy had a rough day, huh? He’s lucky to have you an older brother,” Mildred gushed.

“I’m just lucky all around,” Dick commented.

Jason broke into a coughing fit, and his face turned red, as he shook the entire row of seats.

Duke abruptly stood up. “That’s it, I’ve had it. I’m going to go see if Bruce will trade seats with me.”

“This isn’t musical chairs,” Jason snarked, before relenting and allowing Duke to slide pass.

Tim craned his neck to note that Bruce was seated with Steph and Cass a few rows up. Damn, if only he’d thought to trade with Bruce. Of course, Steph would probably torture Tim, but anything she could do was probably preferable to the Dick, Jason and Damian hell Tim was stuck in now. Probably.

“Dick, stop kicking Tim’s seat,” Bruce grunted as he heavily settled into his new seat.

Dick sat up immediately. “Sorry, B, you know I get ansty when I have to sit still.”

Jason coughed *suck-up* into his hand. Bruce frowned. “Jason, if you are coming down with something, you should have stayed home.”

Jason just grumbled and shifted, pressing some weight into Bruce’s side. Bruce’s frown deepened. “Tim, would you mind if we lifted the armrest so we could all share space? These seats are pretty small, and Jason and I are both really big.”

Tim died a little internally, but did as Bruce asked. Bruce settled with a sigh, now taking up 1/3 of Tim’s seat.

“I have to pee,” Dick suddenly announced. “And little D is still sleeping.” Then he proceeded to climb over the back of their seats, ‘accidentally’ pulling Tim’s hair, and eventually reaching the aisle.

Twenty minutes later, Dick returned to his seat, mused and bedraggled and gave Jason a brief smirk. “2-0, little wing,” he whispered. “And I should get extra points for joining the mile-high club.”

Jason snorted. “Yeah, like you weren’t already a member.”

Bruce frowned.

Mildred stopped by a few minutes later to give Dick an extra juice box and some chocolates for Damian.

“Grayson,” Damian said, and his voice was still sleep thick. “I see you obtained many perks by sexually satisfying that woman. Impressive.”

Fortunately Mildred was already out of earshot.

Bruce face-palmed. Then he turned in his seat. “Dick, can I have a word with you at the back of the plane?”

Jason was unable to hold back a burst of laughter. Bruce glared him out of the way.

Tim leaned over when Dick and Bruce were out of sight. “Ok, what gives?”

Jason tried for the faux innocent look. “Goldie and I are just having a little competition. Whoever picks up the most random strangers, and gets at least a phone number wins. Winner gets the loser’s credit card for a month.”

Tim frowned. Dick tended to collect phone numbers from random strangers all the time, it would be truly frightening to see how many he would collect if he put in effort. Why would Jason take such a difficult bet? “You don’t even seem to be trying.”

Jason smirked. “Hey, there’s still time, and besides, I don’t really mind losing, I’ve got enough money.”

Tim frowned. If Jason didn’t care about the prize that meant… “You’re doing this to prank Bruce, aren’t you?” Tim whispered as the realization hit him.

“Knew you’d figure it out eventually, replacement,” Jason snarked. “And I’m pranking Goldie too at the same time, but the birdbrain hasn’t figured that out yet.”

“Why? Jason, you’ll get us all sent home,” Tim protested, imagining the horror of driving back with Dick, Jason, and maybe the Demon Brat.

Jason shrugged. “Totally worth it to see the old man pop a gasket.”

Bruce and Dick returned, both in a foul mood. Which meant that Tim was almost instantly catapulted out of his seat again.

Bruce sighed as the kicking savagely continued. “Dick, I thought-“ Then Bruce seemed to think better of it. “Nevermind.” He leaned forward in the seat, head in his hands, resigned.

“Hey, I’m sure things will get better once we’re off the plane and at the beach,” Tim said, patting Bruce on the back, and trying to cheer him up. 

Bruce just made a strangled sound that was almost a sob.


End file.
